Guys this one is going to be a little more heart tugging than what I normally put out there but it is needed for my soul and this is my place to write, and be me.
I have been doing a lot of work on “me” this year because an incredibly shitty situation left me feeling sorry for myself and I needed to get out of feeling this way. I have never wanted to be one of those people who felt sorry for themselves, I have always wanted to be a strong independent woman because I was raised that way.
I know I have a lot to be super grateful for with waking up every morning, the ability to stay home with J, a house we call a home, and people who have been there for me this year more than they will ever know.
I will be the first to say that I have had the hardest time figuring out life, just in general and let’s not even talk about adding the being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, and a friend to the mix.
I really wish I had this shit figured out, but I doubt it will fix any of my problems. I can plan like there is no tomorrow but sitting down executing and keeping up with planning, I suck at that.
I can’t ever quite feel like I have anything figured out, working a 9-5 was great because it gave me structure, a place I needed to be at a certain time 5 days a week, a pay check that was relatively the same every two weeks and if I am being honest - I miss it.
If you would’ve asked the me that sat at that tan window-less cubicle 5 days a week with inspirational quotes, and a fuck this place attitude you’d be like, Vashti?
But God has a way of knocking you down to make you re-evaluate comfort.
Let me say that again for those of you in the back, GOD - has a way of knocking you down to make you re-evaluate comfort.
Re-evaluate, those thunder thighs and love handles, the perfect house, the cookie cutter life, and for damn sure your marriage.
I’ll be the first to admit, I choose comfort a lot of the time. I have bailed on my friends and more importantly myself so much in the past couple of years I can’t even keep count.
I’ll miss events to stay home with E because he is only off one day a week, I will make an excuse not to drive to the beach because it is too far, and I will avoid dropping J off with family because I don’t want to be a burden.
I can’t tell you how many times, I sat down and cried while J slept because I have been so tired with how I let my life be. I was so comfortable with easy, with less than that I let so many things happen that shouldn’t have.
Now I get there is a limit to the control you have on someone else’s actions, there is a limit on how you can control how people will treat you but you do have control on where you stay and what you deal with.
I feel like this year was God’s way of saying look girl, if you don’t stop getting comfortable in life, you will never live! You will keep all of the things you want to change, about yourself, your life, your marriage and your family exactly the same.
And you are worth so much more.
I am pretty sure that this year won’t be the only challenging year of my entire life, I am sure things will come that this year was just in preparation for but I will say “Lord, I am no longer comfortable.”
I am no longer here to live a life, but to live and be the most happiest I have ever been.