It has been a couple of days since I last posted and I just needed to take a break. I am considering taking a bit of a longer break to [maybe in July] get content organized and figure out a game plan. I think a lot of this blog is a hot mess express and I sincerely apologize to my avid readers, if there are still any of y'all here.
I know I take bouts of silence on here on occasion because, well life. But this time was for good reason, and a little more intentional than other times.
On June 10th, we lost my grandmother and while she lived a long life passing at the ripe age of 81, no loss is ever easy. The last couple months for her were filled with pain and surgeries, until she was brought home where she could get some comfort from pain medication, and family & friends.
I am not the greatest at loss, I am awkward to say the least with affection as it is growing up in a family who rarely says I love you, or hugs one another.
I think even at her funeral I may have hugged mostly everyone else except my family out of fear of crying even more than I already was. If you know me personally, I do most of my crying privately.
I have done a great job at hiding how I really feel on the outside, crying some nights when J and E went to bed. It is a lot easier to live life, go to hair appointments, post your outfits on social media, than actually deal with what is going on and breaking down.
Then when you finally lay down at night to "rest" is when all of your emotions and thoughts come flooding in because you mind isn't full of all the to-do's, must-have's and child taking care of.
I'll be the first to say that I didn't have the greatest relationship with my grandmother, she was an amazing person but for whatever reason at times we didn't see eye to eye. Maybe it was my American upbringing or the fact that she was incredibly hard on my mom growing up as well.
Grandma had her favorites, and now having a little one of my own I know that having favorites is just something grandparents have the luxury of doing, it is totally warranted and completely understood.
I was my grandfathers favorite, and he was mine. He was my knight and shining armor and I still love him to this day.
With that said I loved my grandmother, it was very tough seeing her the way she was in the hospital, the way she was at home, and seeing her no longer here. But I pray that all of her pain, physically, and emotionally are healed. Whatever burdens she had here on earth, I pray that they have been lifted and she can rest peacefully. I know she is up there walking around, eating her sandwiches she packed in her purse, and hopefully reuniting with her loved ones up there in heaven.
Not dealing with loss is how I deal with loss.
So if it seemed as if I was living life, or not grieving I was in my way because not dealing with it publicly isn't me. I will cry in private, smile in public and mourn the way I want to.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for respecting how I deal with loss.
Also if you have a few extra prayers, please pray for my dad he is having surgery tomorrow and it is a big one.