And there it was the moment when he laid there watching me intently as I removed all of the gunk from the barrel of the vacuum cleaner brush, wide eyed and bushy tailed as though it was the newest, coolest cartoon on the block. It was in that moment that I realized this kid, this little miracle of ours was going to be something big.
There are many things that J has of mine, my temper, my impatience, my knack for the dramatics, but what he has of his daddy's is the willingness to learn, the patience to figure it out, and the ability to shoot you a smile and flirtacious look that will have you weak in the knees.
His dad thinks he is a going to be this all around sports player, and he may damn well be that one day. The kid can literally throw something at you and not miss his aim may be off some but he is definitely getting it in the area that he needs to.
But with all of the intelligence this kid has he will do even greater things, his love, charisma, and huge character makes me believe so. It is also the reason that I now believe that all of the years we waited for him, were way beyond worth it.
For all the years we were pushed away from our dreams of having a child and I assumed it was because we weren't ever going to or I was getting punished for some wrong I didn't even know I made.
I can now say I am happy and thankful for the years that we didn't receive our blessing because he is more than we could've ever asked for and more than we ever thought we could deserve. He is so perfect.
Now I want to tell you ladies who are either thinking of having a little one, currently pregnant, or if you just had your little one. Mothering isn't easy, adding another life into this world just makes it much harder than it already was with our self-esteem issues, and our marriages.
A friend once reached out to me prior to us getting pregnant and even when I was pregnant to tell me that I was getting into something that was way over my head. I was really frustrated that a friend who had children of her own at this time was telling me what to do as a women who had been struggling to have children of my own, she was telling me how hard it was, and that she wished she hadn't gained the weight during pregnancy and at the time instead of being a friend for her.
I got really frustrated and told her that I wasn't the person she should be telling this to and cried my eyes out. Because how could she as a mom, think that I wouldn't care if I got fat, if I didn't look like I used to before, if my husband fell out of love with me, or vice versa.
I wasn't a friend, I didn't try to find out why she felt that way, it was all about me and how I felt. And now looking back on the situation I probably should've listened to her more, or asked more questions to get to understand where she was coming from.
But being where I am now, and where this past year has taken me I completely get it. I get that she was having a difficult time accepting her weight, she could've now felt second to her children in her relationship, she could've not had any sleep, etc.
There is so much that goes into mothering and yes it does come naturally but it all takes time. It all can get scary and lonely no matter how many people you have surrounding you. Because there are times where you will be in a room full of people who have no clue what is going on in your life, in your mind and in your heart.
Motherhood is the constant battle of doing what is right for your marriage, your children and your home, then what is right for you. But don't ever forget that last part because if you do it is going to make life that much harder.
You have to take care of you, in order to take care of everyone else.