I'm feeling 32

Turning 32

IMAGE.JPG

Wow! y'all today I turn 32!

At some point last year I guess between having a baby and becoming a sahm I lost an entire year of my life. I somehow didn't remember turning 31 and still thought for most of the year I was 30. Time flies, you don't necessarily have to be having fun. 

With that said the past year has taught me a lot!

Lesson learned:

It has taught me that karma is indeed a bitch.

People will lose interest in you

You will lose yourself. 

Life will continue without you. 

Hard times, good times and all the in-between will come at you like a freight train, whether you like it or not.

6A6E24C7-CC98-4654-B076-D300F1E74356.JPG

People you didn't think were there for you are, people that you did aren't.  

Post-partum depression has nothing to do with how much you love your child.  And you have no control over it. 

Loving your child has nothing to do with how much you love your husband. 

IMAGE.JPG

Taking time for yourself isn't selfish, it's self-care nothing works well without maintenance. 

You will have to learn all over again how to date, even if it is the man you started dating 12 years ago and married 7.  

Resting Bitch Face is common, you aren't alone.

IMG_3043.JPG

Motherhood is a job for which you never get paid by monetary value, nor will some ever know your true worth. "Aint no women alive that could take my Mama's place" - Tupac

Regardless of how exceptionally dressed you are, your child will throw a tantrum anywhere, anytime. No fucks given.  

Your child will love you more than any toy, clothes, or cartoon character. Be present

Note to self:

I recently watched a YouTube video by Kalynn Nichols where she said something along the lines of no matter what the year had in store for you goods or bad, it taught you something and therefore be grateful it happened.

Not in those exact shitty words but you get the jist of what I am saying. 

A lot of incredibly shitty things happened to me last year, a lot of incredibly amazing things happened for me last year.

The great thing about living is the ability to have another year to mend relationships, have more babies, love better, dance more, travel often, eat well, and love life. 

So cheers year 32, let's see what you've got for me.   

After the storm.

As I am sure you have heard, there was an insane hurricane also known as Harvey that devastated a lot of Houston. The city where I was born and raised [well technically I was raised in Humble, TX but you get my drift], had drastically changed in a matter of days. 

FullSizeRender.jpg

As I drove home one night after the storm on my normal route home from my parents, my nephew and I saw all the devastation that Harvey has done in our area.   In a place that we call home, to see people with everything that they have out on their lawn for trash to pick up and not knowing what the inside of their houses look like or that they don't have a car to drive to work or what's going to happen for dinner for them or that they have to sleep in that house with nothing in it except an air mattress. 

It is so heartbreaking and just to know that my family was all fortunate enough to have houses not near water or not be in the situation that these families are in it's just heartbreaking.

Everyday it just makes me want to hug my son tighter and love on my house more and just be happy that we weren't in an affected area.  I want to spend days and times that I can when I don't have my son helping the people that are around us

It is crazy because I used to walk into places around here and never felt like I should call this place home because it felt so disconnected and just to drive by someone's house that I don't even know and to be saddened by the fact that they don't have the things that they once had materialistic or not it's just heartbreaking.  It is so sad and my heart hurts for all of these people and I wish and hope that I can do more and I  know that all the monetary donations don't bring back everything that you once had that made your house feel like home.  But, hopefully at some point we all can get back to a normal around here because I've grown up here, lived here all my life and it's sad to see all the stuff that's happening to all these people around us whether we know them or not.

If you would like to donate or help the victims of Harvey I ask that you chose wisely and locally. 

Here are a few that are helping victims now:  

https://www.gofundme.com/dry-goods-personal-care-goods

https://www.youcaring.com/houstonfloodvictims-918186

https://secure3.convio.net/hfb/site/Donation2?df_id=8530&mfc_pref=T&8530.donation=form1

 

Letters to Jaxon : 01

J, this one's for you. 

IMG_3641.JPG

J, you are a special kind of kid, when God made us wait for you he knew exactly what he was doing.

He knew that you'd have that perfect smile, the best heart, and the presence of a little king. Hearts melt for you little one and you are so, so loved.

You are pretty amazing, you are our kind of perfect, and I am so entirely happy you are ours. 

Before you I always told myself I would create a place to write to you, to tell you as much as possible how much you mean to me in case I forget to tell you or you forget when I am gone. 

But it is hard to not always tell you how much I love you. It hard to not squeeze you tighter every day because you are growing too fast and my heart can't handle it.  

I knew once you arrived my heart would forget all those times when we struggled for you, it would forget how much it broke when the test once again said negative, it would forget about all the medicines and how they made me feel, it would forget all the times I cried for you.  It would forget all the hard times your dad and I went through before you. 

Because now all the tears are happy ones and life is what I would call perfect with you.

I want you to know that if there were anything great I've ever done with my life, it was creating you. 

I want you to know that seeing you grow and the new things you do on a daily make me sad because I know you won't be little forever.  And because time flies so quickly, I feel like I'll miss it all if I don't put it down. 

I wanted to tell you that you are my favorite person to dance with and it scares the hell out of me to even think that one day we will be dancing at your wedding [hopefully to a girl I actually approve of, doubtful there'll ever be a girl]. I know it's so far in the future but it breaks my heart some days to see you grow so fast and know that the days and years will pass and I'll look back on this post and read these words of truth. 

If you were to be my only child I have to tell you that you are by far the best I could've ever asked for, whoever comes after you definitely has some big shoes to fill and I can only hope for another as amazing as you. 

I want you to know that you are very special to me and I am so grateful to God every day that you are here. I know I lived life without you for 29 years and I am not sure how I did it. But it did help me to know what good and great are, and you my love are good and great

I love you so, so much my little pumpkin pie.  Please stop growing so fast so this momma can stop crying every time she sees you do something new. It took me forever to write this post because you are moving all over the place and it is really hard to write through tears. 

I love you more and more each day. I love your smiles and head butts in the morning when you try to lay your head next to mine.

Happy 7 months, my wild one.  

 Processed with VSCO with a6 preset