Letters to Jaxon : 01

J, this one's for you. 

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J, you are a special kind of kid, when God made us wait for you he knew exactly what he was doing.

He knew that you'd have that perfect smile, the best heart, and the presence of a little king. Hearts melt for you little one and you are so, so loved.

You are pretty amazing, you are our kind of perfect, and I am so entirely happy you are ours. 

Before you I always told myself I would create a place to write to you, to tell you as much as possible how much you mean to me in case I forget to tell you or you forget when I am gone. 

But it is hard to not always tell you how much I love you. It hard to not squeeze you tighter every day because you are growing too fast and my heart can't handle it.  

I knew once you arrived my heart would forget all those times when we struggled for you, it would forget how much it broke when the test once again said negative, it would forget about all the medicines and how they made me feel, it would forget all the times I cried for you.  It would forget all the hard times your dad and I went through before you. 

Because now all the tears are happy ones and life is what I would call perfect with you.

I want you to know that if there were anything great I've ever done with my life, it was creating you. 

I want you to know that seeing you grow and the new things you do on a daily make me sad because I know you won't be little forever.  And because time flies so quickly, I feel like I'll miss it all if I don't put it down. 

I wanted to tell you that you are my favorite person to dance with and it scares the hell out of me to even think that one day we will be dancing at your wedding [hopefully to a girl I actually approve of, doubtful there'll ever be a girl]. I know it's so far in the future but it breaks my heart some days to see you grow so fast and know that the days and years will pass and I'll look back on this post and read these words of truth. 

If you were to be my only child I have to tell you that you are by far the best I could've ever asked for, whoever comes after you definitely has some big shoes to fill and I can only hope for another as amazing as you. 

I want you to know that you are very special to me and I am so grateful to God every day that you are here. I know I lived life without you for 29 years and I am not sure how I did it. But it did help me to know what good and great are, and you my love are good and great

I love you so, so much my little pumpkin pie.  Please stop growing so fast so this momma can stop crying every time she sees you do something new. It took me forever to write this post because you are moving all over the place and it is really hard to write through tears. 

I love you more and more each day. I love your smiles and head butts in the morning when you try to lay your head next to mine.

Happy 7 months, my wild one.  

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Jaxon is 4 months!

You read that right my little papa is 4 months old today.

I can't believe it. When I was pregnant I told myself I would make sure and take pictures of him, document everything and leave nothing behind.

I mean what's the point in having a professional camera if you don't use it for your personal photography too. I don't want to miss J growing up and it seems like that's all that is happening time is flying and I want to make sure I have photos to remember all those moments by.

There have been days when I'm rocking him to sleep and I start to cry because he is growing to fast and my heart can't take it. I feel like it was just yesterday that he couldn't even hold up his own head.

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I love all of his facial expressions, his laugh, the fact that his entire body is a tickle spot and that he hair is already past his neck.  

I love when I see myself and when I see E in him, he is the ultimate perfect combination of the both of us. 

I'm so thankful everyday that God gave him to us, and answered our prayers. I remember what life was like without J and it was pretty amazing but life with J is unimaginably beautiful and more than I could ever ask for.

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I might have formula in my hair.

It's currently 2:47am here in Houston the Husband and the babes are fast asleep. 

I on the other hand, I might have formula in my hair. 

Currently J is still sleeping in our bed, your judgement isn't needed on this matter. J is also waking up for about 2 feedings from the time he goes to bed until 6 am. One feeding is at 2 and the other at 5 and if I want to get a little more rest he will take another 2 oz at 7. He is a eater, there is no denying that. 

Normally we sleep Me, J, pillow, then E. But last night E thought myself and the pillow could switch places to see if maybe I'd get a better nights sleep between J's feeding schedule. I can say my back hurts way less and I'm actually not uber tired at the moment. Check back with me in the am. 

I had a little hesitation because J's formula is always on the nightstand next to the bed and I'd have to actually get up to make his bottles, and ain't no body got time fa dat. Well I should've made time. 

Like I said it is 2:47, after getting up at 2a to make J's bottle I then had to clean formula off of the bed, which I just cleaned earlier today. I had to dust the majority of it off so it wouldn't feel like we're were laying in sand on a beach, where I actually wish I were right now. 

How did formula get all over the bed you ask? Well J isn't one to really wait for his night time bottles or any bottle for that matter, so as I was pouring the formula into his bottle he threw his arm, it connected with the formula container and the rest my friends is history. 

So after spending so many hours yesterday cleaning our bedroom I know have to do it all over again ☚ī¸ in the morning. I honestly could use a donut, a margarita, a thin crust Pepperoni pizza, and a hug not in that specific order. 

Oh and on top of that my dog is outside barking, at nothing.  

The moral of this story my friends is trust your gut and don't do something you know damn well is a fail. 

Irrelevant picture of my dog [yup the one that is barking] sleeping because it is what I wish I was doing right now 😴 but on a beach .

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Dear Jaxon

Dear Jaxon, 

The other day I sat in the clinic waiting on the doctor to find out the date of your arrival. After meeting with her and discussing a few things I walked to the car, called your dad and proceeded to cry. 

I cried not because anything was wrong or I was in pain but I cried because it became so real. I cried because I would no longer have you to myself, I cried because you would grow too fast, I cried because I can't believe I will finally get to touch your toes, kiss your fingers and kiss your cheeks.  

You see son, I've loved you before you were even conceived, before I ever seen you as a tiny embryo on an ultrasound, before you were a plus symbol on a pregnancy stick.  

You are my everything, my entire world. I am still in awe that you are here with me and I can touch you and love on you.  I know the nights will be rough and things will get difficult at times but I know that you are worth every thing we have ever gone through to get you here. 

You are the most beautiful thing that I have ever created, you are able to bring out a side of your dad that I never have seen but I am completely in love with. You make us better, more than we could have ever dreamed to be better for you, we are.  

We thought we were as close to complete as we could be before you but I now know you were the missing piece.  We love you Jaxon, we love you more than you will ever know.  

Dear Jaxon | Hello There Love, Blog.