Dear Jaxon

Dear Jaxon, 

The other day I sat in the clinic waiting on the doctor to find out the date of your arrival. After meeting with her and discussing a few things I walked to the car, called your dad and proceeded to cry. 

I cried not because anything was wrong or I was in pain but I cried because it became so real. I cried because I would no longer have you to myself, I cried because you would grow too fast, I cried because I can't believe I will finally get to touch your toes, kiss your fingers and kiss your cheeks.  

You see son, I've loved you before you were even conceived, before I ever seen you as a tiny embryo on an ultrasound, before you were a plus symbol on a pregnancy stick.  

You are my everything, my entire world. I am still in awe that you are here with me and I can touch you and love on you.  I know the nights will be rough and things will get difficult at times but I know that you are worth every thing we have ever gone through to get you here. 

You are the most beautiful thing that I have ever created, you are able to bring out a side of your dad that I never have seen but I am completely in love with. You make us better, more than we could have ever dreamed to be better for you, we are.  

We thought we were as close to complete as we could be before you but I now know you were the missing piece.  We love you Jaxon, we love you more than you will ever know.  

Dear Jaxon | Hello There Love, Blog.

Waiting is Hard.

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Writing isn't the easiest thing for me.  I love to do it, it is almost like working out, I feel a hell of a lot better after doing it.  But, it isn't easy.  

How do I take all of the things I want to tell you and put it in written word? How do I make you feel the way I feel when I write it? 

On occasion when I get stuck on what to write, I will use a blog prompt like "What is the hardest thing you had to wait for?"  A lot of what I put on here can be things that I want to get off of my mind or something I felt.  It can be something I experience, wore, or even ate.  

But it isn't always easy to get things written down or written well enough for people to want to continue to read.  

The hardest thing I have had to wait for has been the ability to have children.  If you are a frequent reader of my blog or actually know me you know that this has been something hard to wait for, for E and I.  Some days, months and even years can be tough and sometimes I can make it through.  And I know that when they are finally here they are going to be happy and healthy babies and the time it took to get them here will seem short. But sometimes I want to ask God what/where did I go wrong?  Was is something I did?  Something I am not ready for? 

How do I get to go another year without being a mother?  I have taken it in stride, I sometimes think that my marriage may not have made it this far if we had children.  It would've put a strain on us that maybe we just couldn't handle.  And maybe God was giving us these year before having children to enjoy each other and laugh hysterically at the Sonic commercials. 

This was God's way of upholding one of his greatest gifts to my husband and I, each other.  Even if we don't feel that way sometimes.  I sometimes wonder if a very huge mistake I made in the past has anything to do with it?  Or mistakes I continue to make has anything to do with.  Is he waiting until I finally get closer to him?  Is there something I am doing wrong?  

Then sometimes I feel like God has his time that he will give us children and it will be exactly when we need them and they need us. 

What is the hardest thing you had to wait for?